It rains tonight.
It is about two in the morning. I get up at 1 o’clock in the morning to go to work every weekday, so that I woke up at the same time though it is a holiday today.
Yesterday I took poor supper.It contained a cut of cake and two pieces of sandwiches, these were all. Usually I cook several dishes for meals every day, but I didn’t take time to do it last evening. I don’t know the reason to have no will to do something. Although I’m not tired very much, physically at least.
A year has passed since I moved to this district from Osaka. It means that one and half year has passed since I moved from my hometown. I ask myself that I accustom to live here or not and my answer is “no”. I’m still often confused by the dialect of this district(Kansai) and the way of thinking which many people of this district depend on. The prices of various items to live are more expensive than these of my home-district, I think, and the condition of roads is very bad; there is always a heavy traffic on every road and the number of them which have many lanes and can be used free is few. The toll of highways is too expensive to use without hesitation. I heard before that my aunt living in Osaka pref. which has the most population and economic scale around Kansai said that she has lived there for several decades but she can still get used to various customs of this district. I may understand what she thinks.
My skill to make and bake bread isn’t gotten better than before a year because my effort is not enough. A couple of days ago the chef said that my skill got better than as of a year ago, but I can’t feel so. Though I make efforts to be careful to do something at work as well as possible, I often make many mistakes. I apologize every time which I do something wrong at and the other staffs at the workplace aren’t angry with me, but I’m afraid that their impression for me becomes worse. It doesn’t change that I worry about the reputation from others too much. Having communication with others is still very difficult for me, Joining their conversation is hard, too. I understand my “misanthropy” again.
I like and respect cultures which are grown up in Occident, It doesn’t mean that I look down on my own country’s culture at all, but I always feel that the way of my thinking tends to be done along the Japanese style. Individualism seems to be excellent for me, but I don’t live in accordance with this “ism”. It is the obvious proof that I have “morbid fear of meeting people”, which is peculiar to Japanese people. This sickness(?) makes me very tired, but I’ve not been able to solve it yet. Recently I’m looking forward to going to bed every day because during sleeping I don’t need to think about other people and my lacks.
Thank you for your visit here today.