It is still about 2:30 am.

I’m listening to “Symphony No.9 “Choral” composed by L.v. Beethoven now. I haven’t listened to it recently. Each melody of these movements makes me relaxed very much.

– – – – –

Last week I was very tired because I was changed my position at my workplace and I had to learn many things. But it was impossible for me to acquire them immediately. I made many mistakes and my colleagues helped me many times. I was very sorry for it.

As I wrote in a previous  article, it is very difficult to acquire something new and it often gives us much stress. I couldn’t put up with it and I took a medicine to calm down my nerves several times though I hadn’t taken any medicines for some months. I didn’t want to take it but I couldn’t remain working without it… I can have perhaps become hyperpnea unless I took it.

To be changed the position where someone works means generally the progress on his/her skills so that he/she should feel glad about it. Of course I’m glad to have a chance to try new jobs, but at the same time I’m very afraid of it… “I can make serious mistakes, I can be scolded about it, I can be looked down on by my colleagues…” The fear often goes on a rampage in my brain.

I’ve already realized that I’m very afraid of other people because they seem essentially enemies for me. I can’t believe in them from my heart. I’m one of those who can’t rely on others…. the reason is perhaps that I know I’m also to be able to be trusted by others. To sum up, I don’t believe in myself at all, therefore I feel fear for others.

I understand the meaning of a sentence as follow: ” Someone who can’t believe himself can’t also believe others.” with the thought as above. And I recently think that the main theme of my lifetime is to be able to believe myself… It maybe also means to accept myself as what I am.

Thank you for your visit here today.


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