It has remained cold for some weeks.
The new year 2012 has come. I couldn’t write any articles on my blog because I had no time to do it. I’ve already written that it is a hard work for me to write about my opinion, thought or other things in English so that I have to find the time for it.
Same as in last year, I work at a bakery still now. Though I make many mistakes in my work every day, the chief of the bakery just indicates my mistakes and says “Don’t mind. Go to next.(He always says “Gambari-mashou”!)” without any indignation. I thank him for his kindness sincerely, yet at the same time I feel that I’m very sorry for him because I know that he is considerate of my feeling. I’m very surprised at his attitude… though he is younger than I, It seems that he is always considerate of workers’ feelings at the bakery. If I’m in the same circumstances, perhaps I can’t assume an attitude like him.
There are many kinds of people, but I often feel that I am very stupid and infantile. I have been often confused by situations around me since my childhood. I can’t still control my feelings and can’t also distinguish between emotional scoldings and necessary indication. I’m very afraid to be disliked by somebody by my mistakes or my own character… still now. I know that it is quite childish, although I’m 28 years old. However older I become, more obviously I feel to exist a young, silly, stupid child in my mind. He has been crying since I was a child; For fear for other people, he remains crying. I have to be calm down and hug him with tenderness sincerely because only I can do that.
By the way, I understand my character can’t be suiting everybody. I have been sometimes said that I’m different. But it is very difficult for me to recognize my differences from other people. “Fuwa-Raido(付和雷同)”, this is one of Japanese idioms, it means that many people want to act as same as other people around them do. It is said that many Japanese tend to like such a action. People in Japan often tell their children to be like “a child”. I guess “like a child” means to assume an obedient, fine attitude. People in Japan also say that men should be “Otoko-rashiku(男らしく); like a man”. But frankly speaking, what does the word mean? It means a rude, rough attitude to other people? Or it means to be ought to be gentle and kind to other people, especially to women? I have no idea about that…
I was embarrassed when my boss said to me that the way of my speaking was different from other men; For example, in English the pronoun which means myself is “I”, but in Japanese there are some pronouns like “I”; “Watashi(私)”, “Boku(僕)”, “Ore(俺)”,”Watakushi(私)” and so on. And many Japanese seem to think that young men should use “Boku” or “Ore” as a pronoun meaning themselves. But I usually use “Watashi” because I feel this word is very gentle and it is regarded as the word can be use by everybody without distinguishing between man and woman in Japanese. Yet my boss said to me, “Why do you use “Watashi”? ” … I wondered that it made some problems. I feel that he is very kind, but I couldn’t understand why he asked me such a question. And I reached the conclusion that he and other Japanese people thought that it was something different from the “Normal” in Japan this word to be used as the pronoun of the subject by men.
Since I was a elementary school student, I was bullied from boys in the same class because I wasn’t good at playing sports and the way of my speaking is like a girl. “Okama”, it means “Gay” in Japanese, I was made fun of with this word. So I’m against such a thinking or a stereotype to should be manlike or womanlike. I think every person has their own characters and they are all different from others. Why is the manlike woman wrong? What is the point which might be a problem when a man is womanlike? I wish I were explained the logical, reasonable, specific reason.
I want to express my opinion that we have the right to be “ourselves”. “Be like a ~ !” I HATE THIS SENTENCE OR SUCH A THINKING. This way of thinking makes people’s possibilities much narrower and smaller, I think. Why on earth can people who often say “Be like a ~ !” think that they are right? Do they regard themselves as existence like God or something omniscient or omnipotent? Oh, No kidding me! Why, why can they be so arrogant… Can they understand how other people have lived since they were born? I don’t understand what the people who want to make a judgement on others think…
I feel that I’m disliked by some people at my workplace(but it is not in the bakery). I don’t know the reason which makes them dislike me. But why it may be my character. But it can’t become the reason not to neglect me though I greet them. “What an infantile behavior it is!” I think and laugh inwardly… “Simpleton!”
I’m very sorry to write such a thing which makes readers’ feeling bad. And furthermore, I perhaps make many mistakes in English on this article. I thank people who read this blog sincerely.
Thank you for your visit here today.