A party was performed to congratulate my boss on his new step.

Yesterday a party was performed to congratulate my boss, who is younger than I but I respect him very much, on his new step.
He resigned the bakery where I was one of workers by yesterday to take part in another shop being famous for many people located in another prefecture. He said that he had wanted to learn more about baking bread there before to open his own shop near his hometown some day.

I look up on him because of his honesty, his diligence and his eagerness to train his own sense and skill of baking bread. At the same time, I’d been afraid that I might have been hated by him…I’ve already wrote about that on the blog before.
Yesterday morning, I was scolded by him with his loud voice with giving something a kick violently. The reason of that resulted from me wholly, so that I had to recognize my mistakes seriously. Because I haven’t been scolded so furiously for a long time, I was very surprised and I got very frightened; Yet all he said at that time was correct.
To tell the truth, many people reading this blog may look down on me to know the fact, I have ever attempted to hide my mistakes to avoid scolding by other people many times in my lifetime…. Because I have been very anxious that these mistakes make them angry with me. To tell more over, I have had to confess the fact that I have told a lie to do that. These stupid acts are all from my weakness. Anxiety to be hated or disliked by other people let me do such a infantile behavior…
I have read an article somewhere before. In the article, it was indicated to try to gauge somebody’s feelings is an action which some people often tend to take. The reason to take such a stupid action was that their value was dependent from evaluations of other people, it said; They couldn’t believe in their own value. Value just to live or to be was far away from them.
I feel I am one of “them”. As I wrote it on the blog before, I’m also worry about being scolded and disliked or looked down on very much. I know that it is meaningless wholly but I can’t let the anxiety fade away. In my head, I understand its stupidity, but I don’t accept the fact in my heart… I have consulted a doctor before and now I still take a medicine to get calm every day.

Getting a communication with other people, to live every day is very stressful for me. But I don’t have a courage to live lonely because of my weakness. After all, with anxiety to be disliked, I live and work every day. Just to live, this simple act, is very difficult. I don’t grasp how to communicate with others without anxiety. Though I want to congratulate my boss’s new step sincerely, taking part in the party was very strained for me because I didn’t know which behavior I should take there….

Though I was scolded by him very furiously, I could make peace with him at the party. I apologized to my mistakes and congratulated to him because I recognized that the cause of his angry resulted from me.

I think that I have to change my character to communicate with other people normally. Without changing it, finally I have to suicide by my own weakness and anxiety. Frankly speaking, to live among people is very stressful and painful for me–When I go to bed, I always wish in my heart not to wake up permanently–. But I don’t have a courage to kill myself. Suffering from my worry, anxiety and stresses, I have to live till the end of my life, I think.

Thank you for your visit here today.

P.S. Thank you for your comment, but I’ve not reply for it yet because I want to read it with thinking seriously and my skill to grasp what it says in English is lacking. I’ll reply for it as soon as possible. I was very glad to get your comment… Thank you very much.

  1. I don’t want you to think that my comment was to berate you. It was meant to encourage you. People who worry about what other people think of them…do so because they are very good inside. They are considerate and truly want to do well. Often, it is their own anxiety that makes them make so many mistakes. They are concentrating on not doing something (making a mistake) instead of doing the job correctly and realizing that everything will come out well if they were to just concentrate on that.

    When I was young…I used to be anxious about doing well. I found that by practicing the portion I wanted to learn until it became automatic…all my anxiety melted away. With true competence…comes true confidence. Out work all others…outperform all others…you will not only not feel anxiety…you will feel elation. You will enjoy your work…and life.

    Ganbatte!

    • Thank you for your comment, Shiroi Tora, Every message from you encourages me very much… I feel it is very fortunate to get such a message sent from another country.
      Recently I don’t make terrible mistakes. Sometimes I make a small one, but I can deal with such a situation and correct it.
      I’m worry about a problem… It is about my own inside; I realized that other people around me at my workplace have passion to their own works. They seem to work very hard because it is not only their work but also something they truly want to fling into. On the other hand, I also realized that I work every day with thinking “I do various works at my bakery because they are “works”. I feel it is my duty to do them and I have no passion about my work, I feel… I’m anxious that I have already become a nihilistic one who can’t hold any passion to anything. I want to deal with my own work enthusiastically, but I don’t know how to get it… I may be nihilistic… to live every day, I wish not to wake up permanently when I go to bed every day… Does it just mean that I’m lazy? But I don’t understand why my inside, heart and mind are so cold and how to warm them again….

  2. I am a retired Correctional Officer. Believe me when I tell you that I did not have a passion for my job…especially when I had first started. I went on to making the job as much fun and as productive as I could. I had also enjoyed other passions in my life off duty. I had dreamed of the day when I could retire…yet I still enjoyed each day there. I am now retired. It was worth it. I stayed at the job because it was high in pay…had an excellent retirement package…and had other good benefits. It had allowed me to provide a good living for my family.

    I put myself into my work… at work. I learned all I could…which in of itself…made the nights more interesting. I valued my off time much more also. I had made up my mind that I would enjoy my life…both at work…and off work…because we have but one life to live. No one was going to keep me from happiness throughout life. I more than did my duty…and I got to know some great people at work.

    Work, right now, for you…is a puzzle. There are missing pieces of information (the unknown) and pressure to meet deadlines and performance objectives. You feel pressured to not fall behind your peers. You feel worried even at home…OK.

    My job…had I not done well…first of all…people could have gotten seriously hurt or killed. Just one example: I had a man die in my arms (not my fault). My after action reports had to have been precise…very accurate and full of information…the lawyers and the court system would be using what I had written on every report I had ever written. We had to meet daily objectives and deadlines without fail. When people were attacked…I not only had to react suddenly…I had to act correctly. I had many hours of evidence collection…interviews and investigations to conduct…reports to file before the shift was over…while still fulfilling my normal duties. My shift was 12 hours long and I had a 2-3 hour commute (driving).

    I know what pressure at work is. I am telling you this because when I tell you to merely do your best…look, listen and learn as much as you can…to not worry about what others think…just about what you do…it comes from experience. It was when I had made up my mind that NO ONE was going to make me quit….or even be unhappy at work. I learned to take pride in my work. I learned that with challenging duties…come greater rewards (not just in pay…but in enjoyment off duty…live hard…play hard). You will learn that those who travel with you in your journey in life are treasured all the more because of the shared pain experienced. This is not something to be avoided…it is to be cherished. Life will take on a deeper meaning when your challenges in life are taken on and conquered.

    Fear not having lived life well…IT IS OUR ONLY ONE.

    Live it fully…you will have no regrets.

    Life is so wonderful for me. It always has been…and it gets all the sweeter as time goes on. I chose to not run from life long ago (young child)…life had only gotten better since then.

    Know what is right and wrong in life…do right…not only in your duties…but for YOU. You have the absolute right to be happy. Never allow embarrassment, or any fear, keep you from doing what is right…for your family and for yourself…your future.

    Create your destiny…never allow others to create it for you…or to keep it from you.

    Dare to dream…pursue your dreams relentlessly…savor your victories.

    P.S. – Always remember…you will one day be a father. You must live these principles in order to guide your children to victory in their lives.
    You must secure a good profession in order to provide them a good life. You must be able to teach them how to live…so no one makes them live in fear in their lives. You are not just living for yourself…you are also making yourself into the man necessary to be the guide and protector of your future family.

    • Thank you for your comment, Shiroi Tora.
      I had already read your comment, but I’m very sorry to reply for it because I haven’t had time enough to do it… But I’ve been very encouraged by what you wrote here! (I’m very afraid whether I understand what you want to say.) I really want to thank for the kind and encouraging words from America!
      When I have time, I’ll write here about my recent days:…

  3. I’ll be waiting to hear more of your adventures in life.

    I read your blog because I see a very good person in you. You care about what others think because you are very considerate and kind in nature.

    However, always remember that you, too, are also a person. Don’t forget to give to yourself. Expect the goodness that you give to others to be given back. That is your right as a human being.

    Never give up on yourself or your future.

    Always look forward…always work toward the future.
    When you do that…the present will take care of itself.

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