A party was performed to congratulate my boss on his new step.
Yesterday a party was performed to congratulate my boss, who is younger than I but I respect him very much, on his new step.
He resigned the bakery where I was one of workers by yesterday to take part in another shop being famous for many people located in another prefecture. He said that he had wanted to learn more about baking bread there before to open his own shop near his hometown some day.
I look up on him because of his honesty, his diligence and his eagerness to train his own sense and skill of baking bread. At the same time, I’d been afraid that I might have been hated by him…I’ve already wrote about that on the blog before.
Yesterday morning, I was scolded by him with his loud voice with giving something a kick violently. The reason of that resulted from me wholly, so that I had to recognize my mistakes seriously. Because I haven’t been scolded so furiously for a long time, I was very surprised and I got very frightened; Yet all he said at that time was correct.
To tell the truth, many people reading this blog may look down on me to know the fact, I have ever attempted to hide my mistakes to avoid scolding by other people many times in my lifetime…. Because I have been very anxious that these mistakes make them angry with me. To tell more over, I have had to confess the fact that I have told a lie to do that. These stupid acts are all from my weakness. Anxiety to be hated or disliked by other people let me do such a infantile behavior…
I have read an article somewhere before. In the article, it was indicated to try to gauge somebody’s feelings is an action which some people often tend to take. The reason to take such a stupid action was that their value was dependent from evaluations of other people, it said; They couldn’t believe in their own value. Value just to live or to be was far away from them.
I feel I am one of “them”. As I wrote it on the blog before, I’m also worry about being scolded and disliked or looked down on very much. I know that it is meaningless wholly but I can’t let the anxiety fade away. In my head, I understand its stupidity, but I don’t accept the fact in my heart… I have consulted a doctor before and now I still take a medicine to get calm every day.
Getting a communication with other people, to live every day is very stressful for me. But I don’t have a courage to live lonely because of my weakness. After all, with anxiety to be disliked, I live and work every day. Just to live, this simple act, is very difficult. I don’t grasp how to communicate with others without anxiety. Though I want to congratulate my boss’s new step sincerely, taking part in the party was very strained for me because I didn’t know which behavior I should take there….
Though I was scolded by him very furiously, I could make peace with him at the party. I apologized to my mistakes and congratulated to him because I recognized that the cause of his angry resulted from me.
I think that I have to change my character to communicate with other people normally. Without changing it, finally I have to suicide by my own weakness and anxiety. Frankly speaking, to live among people is very stressful and painful for me–When I go to bed, I always wish in my heart not to wake up permanently–. But I don’t have a courage to kill myself. Suffering from my worry, anxiety and stresses, I have to live till the end of my life, I think.
Thank you for your visit here today.
P.S. Thank you for your comment, but I’ve not reply for it yet because I want to read it with thinking seriously and my skill to grasp what it says in English is lacking. I’ll reply for it as soon as possible. I was very glad to get your comment… Thank you very much.