I’m afraid of communicating with other people…
To have a communication with other people is very difficult for me because I was afraid of being hated by someone… by my mistakes or other causes.
I can’t still believe that I was liked or accepted easily by other people. That reason is I don’t like myself at all. At my workplace, I’m very anxious that I may be hated some day. Yesterday I took some mistakes when I worked at my bakery. Chef Bouranger, my boss, seemed to be very angry at that time. As I looked his expression, I was very worry that I made him angry and I got very confused; His expression for me looked not to be changed at the end of yesterday’s work, at least I felt so.
I was very influenced by expressions of others for me, for I can’t still have self-confidence. I don’t recognize it at all…. In other words, it is hardly to recognize my value to live simply. The value resulting from just being here… is not inapplicable to me, I think. The value which I may be able to have is the value resulting from what I do only, I feel. The latter value is originated in other people’s judgement. So when I feel that someone get angry at me or what I do, I get very afraid that my value “in use” decreases very much.
I have to leave my house for the workplace. My heart is covered with dark dick cloud, which seems not to fade away permanently.
Thank you for your visit here today.