I’m very stressed…

Today I usually go to school to bake breads, but I’m staying at home now; because I have to visit a bakery and have an interview for the job. The interview will start at 1:00 today afternoon and it takes for 1 hour long only to visit the bakery so that it is still too early to leave.

My heart is covered with anxiety and worry. Yesterday I was still composed and calm, but now I’m distressed and strained very much. Thinking to happen something wrong, I really want to stop my brain running wild. But though it is a part of myself, it is out of my control completely.

Perhaps it is harder to spend time to wait with doing nothing but anxiety than any other way to spend it. Reading something, listening to music and surfing on the net, all of them is wasted effort to decrease my anxiety. I experienced such a feeling once when I was an university student… I tried examinations of more than 40 companies to get a job, but I couldn’t find them after all. Still now I sometimes remember these memories at that time like a nightmare… I felt that all of the world denied my capacity, my skill and whole of myself… I was completely destroyed mentally and I can’t still recover from these experiences.

When I walk along a street in Osaka, there are many people wearing suits for business and walking fast to work on their own jobs. At that a moment, I feel I’m “one who is out of the majority”. Perhaps one who can understand these feeling of solitude and alienation is only the one who actually experiences this situation.

People say; “Don’t worry. If you fail to find a job, you still live. Live with hope, and you’ll find it some day if you want it.”

I DON’T BELIEVE IT. I think lifetime is like a game without any hope, but the fact is hidden well with many stories which are made by people getting something they want fortunately. The fortunate sometimes criticize or speak ill of the one who commits suicide. But who on earth can grasp the feeling or emotion of the people killing themselves? Who can imagine that what they thought or felt before making up their minds to leave the world, which perhaps gave them only something painful?

I’m sorry that I don’t understand what I write because I get tense too much……

  1. I think you put far too much importance on your feelings. Worry is for people who, for what ever reason, feel they do not deserve something.

    If you want something more than others…and train yourself to be better at it….you deserve it. There is nothing to worry about. Eventually you will get the rewards. That is how life works…it is not magical. When people see that you feel you are worthy of a position…they are willing to take a chance on you. If they see that you are not confident…they figure that there must be a reason to not trust in you…if you do not trust yourself.

    Over compensate….be better through training. When you know your superiority…it shows. It is quiet confidence. It is never something you read in a book…it is not something magically given. It is the realization of something earned through practice. Out practice someone…you will eventually outperform them. When you are better…you will have that quiet confidence….you will feel yourself to be a god among mere mortals… in your field.

    I know how your feelings affect you…however…you can dictate your feelings through your actions…with diligent practice. If you don’t feel confident…out practice your competition…and you will out perform them…that is the way of the world. Those who don’t realize this…never work for their dreams. Those who do…eventually realize their dreams.

    • Thank you for your comment.

      Yes, As you wrote here, I think about my own feeling too much though, on the other hands, I know the fact that my feeling always changes easily and it is very unstable. Actually something which can affect the result of my life is what I have done…

      What I can do to give me the confidence from others and myself is just to remain training what I have to train or practice as well as possible. These are perhaps the only way to live further with the trust for myself.

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