I’m very stressed…
Today I usually go to school to bake breads, but I’m staying at home now; because I have to visit a bakery and have an interview for the job. The interview will start at 1:00 today afternoon and it takes for 1 hour long only to visit the bakery so that it is still too early to leave.
My heart is covered with anxiety and worry. Yesterday I was still composed and calm, but now I’m distressed and strained very much. Thinking to happen something wrong, I really want to stop my brain running wild. But though it is a part of myself, it is out of my control completely.
Perhaps it is harder to spend time to wait with doing nothing but anxiety than any other way to spend it. Reading something, listening to music and surfing on the net, all of them is wasted effort to decrease my anxiety. I experienced such a feeling once when I was an university student… I tried examinations of more than 40 companies to get a job, but I couldn’t find them after all. Still now I sometimes remember these memories at that time like a nightmare… I felt that all of the world denied my capacity, my skill and whole of myself… I was completely destroyed mentally and I can’t still recover from these experiences.
When I walk along a street in Osaka, there are many people wearing suits for business and walking fast to work on their own jobs. At that a moment, I feel I’m “one who is out of the majority”. Perhaps one who can understand these feeling of solitude and alienation is only the one who actually experiences this situation.
People say; “Don’t worry. If you fail to find a job, you still live. Live with hope, and you’ll find it some day if you want it.”
I DON’T BELIEVE IT. I think lifetime is like a game without any hope, but the fact is hidden well with many stories which are made by people getting something they want fortunately. The fortunate sometimes criticize or speak ill of the one who commits suicide. But who on earth can grasp the feeling or emotion of the people killing themselves? Who can imagine that what they thought or felt before making up their minds to leave the world, which perhaps gave them only something painful?
I’m sorry that I don’t understand what I write because I get tense too much……