To run away from something sad or painful makes nothing for me, I know, but….
I belong to a school to learn baking breads now. I’ll graduate it in the end of next September. I have only about two months left to learn there.
After graduating it, what should I do? I don’t know and don’t understand it. It is the very significant problem for me.
Should I remain living in Osaka, or should I go back to my hometown, Fukuoka? Frankly speaking, I don’t have any confidence to work at a bakery here. Of course I know how my mental health is weak, and furthermore, many people around me are worry about it… Even at school I have cried several times because I made mistakes many times and I became too strained to stop my tears dropped down. Can such a weak person on earth work at a actual bakery? Perhaps I will be scolded and gotten angry by people there… Telling the truth, I’m very very very afraid of it. I’m frightening to be hurt.
I always think that I may be one of people called “Adult Children”. On the Web there are lots of information about it and some features are listed up there. many of them are fit for me, I feel… To love myself is too hard for me. To remain having self-confidence is impossible for me. To think about evaluation not by myself but by others is a typical feature of Adult Children, and I’m so too. To be gotten angry or scolded by someone is very painful and frightening for me. I’m very worry that how people around me evaluate me so that I always try to fawn over; As a result, I don’t understand and find what I truly want to do…..
It is very difficult for me to believe in myself and to do something new at a field that I’ve never experienced.
Some people indicate that to join a school located in a strange city to learn baking breads proves that I have a courage to start something new.
But I feel in myself; telling the truth, I was very afraid of work at bakery without any experiences. I thought that I could experience various things about baking bread without any anxiety there because it is not a work place, but a school.
But, in actual fact, even at school, I haven’t been able to endure something painful that ordinary people are not caring and stopped crying many times……
After coming to an end of this school, is it the best choice to get back home in Fukuoka silently? It perhaps means to run away from pain AGAIN for me.
Yes, many many many times I have run away from what gives me something painful and sad…
I’m weak. I have known the fact since I’m a teenager. To remain living is too painful for me and it has made me very tired. A too strong tempest is destroying my thought in my heart. All of things scares me….