Weakness of me.
Last week I was suffered from various matters which came from what I belong to. It is holiday today. It means that I don’t have to go to school…Frankly speaking, it makes me felt calm.
One of these problems was that I couldn’t understand how I should build the relationship with other students. Both of them are older than I and they are women. They have many experiences about the way of work at school; how we can wash dishes, what we should prepare for the next bread we bake…. And then, they can work it on very fast. I can’t catch up with their actions. If I try to do something as fast as they do, I always make mistakes. In such a case, I am very sad and I am afraid that I may be scolded or spoken ill of by them.
Furthermore, I am also afraid that I may be disliked by one of them. When we make breads, she often speaks to other people, for example, other staffs, teachers or students, but doesn’t speak to me. When I speak to her, her response is very cold. At first I thought that I did something wrong or said something impolite to her. But presently I don’t understand what makes her attitude to me so cold… A few days ago, I didn’t put up with the anxiety in my heart, I took a medicine called “Sepason ” to bring my heart one of calmness–Perhaps it can be called “paralysis of my heart”. Since I came here I haven’t taken this medicine, but finally I become to take it when I was too anxious about the relationship or other problems which suddenly happen.
I know that I wasn’t good at making relationship with others. There are some reasons of it; In my childhood, I was treated with the attitude called “neglect” by my mother. In those days she was very scolded by my aunt or my grandparents with unreasonable things and she was very very suffered from them. As a result, she got very nervous. Her stresses and strains might be too heavy and hard to put up with. These became “neglect” for me. I was very afraid that I was abandoned by her… Still now I fear it when she looks angry. I know that this situation is abnormal, but I can’t solve the problem sinking in my heart deeply.
I’m very afraid that someone becomes not to like me. I feel it the statement that I have no longer value to live in the world. You must feel it is silly; But in my heart this feeling exacts very strongly. And to make matter worse, I can’t still find the way to solve the anxiety though it has no value to be kept holding in my heart.
Next week I have to go to school and learn how to bake or how to treat customers coming to the bakery, how to use the cash register and many other things; but I was very worry about meeting other students at the school…. Why am I so weak? What makes me so anxious…… I have already thought about that by myself many times, but no answers are shown to me still now…
Thank you for your visit here today.