In a mutter…; About my childhood 1

Students who belong to school I work at sometimes say; “We think that you have had a girl friend since you were a high school student, we are sure of that!” I don’t like to talk about myself, especially about my private life, so that I don’t answer them to their question at all. I have already talked about my old of age, but other things haven’t been talked yet. As a result, they think about my childhood without evidences to do that.
I’m very thin now and my weight is very lower than a standard one which those who is as tall as I should have. And my face, my body, my thought and other impression about me bring them these conclusions as follows;
When I was a junior high school student…
I have already had a girl friend.
I have already finished my first sexual experience before I became a high school student.
I was very popular to classmates at school.
I was very clever, it is out of the question.

I’m very surprised if I had these features and particularities at that time. But the truth was the opposite from them.  I was disliked by almost of classmates when I was a  junior high school student. I was very fat, and had a face which seemed very dour. Some of students, who could play sports well and were seemed as brats, bullied me. I still remember their faces and the their names. Furthermore, I was not so clever that I couldn’t have a good record.
You know, there was a student who was very silly and pitiful. It’s the fact.
I disliked to play sports. I disliked to study for a long time. I disliked to go to school. I disliked to do anything. I disliked, disliked…everything. The reason I had to live could be understandable for me. I wanted to commit suicide because the world where I would go after doing that might be not the best but better than the one I lived in.
I liked to play video games. To enjoy playing it, I didn’t have to go out or to move my body hard . Their stories and their world looked much more brilliant than the real one. I liked also to draw pictures though I couldn’t do it so well; Of course I wanted to draw pictures well, but, you know, I think that I might want to express my feeling and my wish on every sheet of paper with drawing. Everything around me was an enemy for me, except some people and existence, for example, friends who were familiar with me but the number of them wasn’t many at all, my family… especially my mother and grand mother, and a cat living in my house.

The sentences I wrote above  ran away from my brain. In other words, I forgot what I wrote. What did I write about..? Ah, About my childhood, which was colored black or dark, and to remember it always makes me sad…
This post is a mutter in my brain. Even if my appearance is changed, my memory about my childhood may remain in my brain forever, till I go away from this lifetime.

What is the purpose to write such a glum memory? I don’t know, but I may want not to forget it, though I’m sometimes suffered from it.
I can’t sometimes understand myself. Do other people grasp themselves?

Thank you for your visit here today.

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