In a mutter : Memories in my childhood
My mother doesn’t want to talk about my childhood with me.
The reason is simple; When I was a young elementary school student, my family was suffered from various troubles every day. My mother was especially wounded by the situation.
My aunts, who were my father’s sister, and their husbands criticized her because they thought that my mother didn’t work and devote to take care of my father’s parents. The fact was far away from their thought, but it is no question whether what they thought was right or not. She was wounded dreadfully. she was almost broken down. She became nervous, and she began to neglect me.
My parents talked hardly with each other. One of my aunts has a trouble in her own heart. Other aunts claimed that my mother is the cause of her sickness….Of course it’s nonsense. And my father wasn’t interested in the situation. My mother remained sleeping whole a day every day, without doing anything. I remember that unwashed dishes in the sink looked a pile of dust, and flies were flying above them…. I wanted to wash them, but I was not so cleaver that I couldn’t know how to do it. My house was the hell which is created on the earth for me.
I often dreamed a dream that I was very satisfied with enjoying my own family. My parents were smiling and I also. But after waking up, I knew it was just a dream, the fact was far away from it… My house was dark like it was colored black, and no one had smile on his/her own face. Of course I also didn’t.
I often ask my mother whether she is angry or not. I’m still afraid of her anger. I become anxious when her face looks sullen. Did I do anything wrong or bad for her? –She still governs my feeling, though she doesn’t want to do it.
And my memories about my childhood suddenly occur in my brain and distress me still now. If I can do it, I want to change whole of my childhood to run away from the distress.
Can I have a good sleep enough to rest my body and my heart tonight? I feel that my soul is too tired to think anything good…What I want now is just to dream a good dream. Because dream may bring me some of calmness…
Thank you for your visit here today.