About my recent life and the mystery around us

How long haven’t I written anything here? The reason is not simple; I have had nothing to write. I am writing this article in English, but my ability to write something in this language has also gotten worse because I didn’t use it in my own daily life in Japan. I usually talk with those who are around me in Japanese, and it is not necessary to speak in foreign languages as well as we live in this ironically fantastic country.

Now what I do is also simple.  Presently I work in my family’s business with my parents. and I could get a new job at a company this month and I’ll start to work there, too. It is not bakery but makes geographic data, computer system for customers and a lot of documents printed on paper into electric data with computer. Yes, I have already given up to be a professional baker; It was too difficult for me to bear many things around the work. I don’t know whether it was caused by my character and disorder or not and I think it is not so important. It is not important what I have done but what I have thought and felt for me. To think and feel something, we need to eat or drink something everyday.

To live long is no longer necessary and significant for me. I want to say goodbye to this world but I don’t still have courage enough to do it. Recently I feel it is wonder to live here; Why am “I” here? Who am “I”? Who is the person, who is inputting “Who am “I”” with keyboard and drinking coffee at home in this small city in the west of Japan?  Many people have not thought about the mystery, but it has been next to our daily lives since we were born and waited for the moment when we awake to its existence.
This mystery doesn’t bored me at all. “Thinking about it has no meaning, it is not useful for our lives”, some may say so. Though it has no physical meaning or doesn’t give us money, but it must give us the mental attitude toward our lives; “I don’t know anything around the world and myself, but I know the fact I don’t know anything.” There is nothing certain in which we think certain. This recognition makes us free. …To begin with, why is things which are regarded as meaningful more important than things being regarded as meaningless? And I have a question; What is the difference between “meaningful” and “-less” ? What standard decides it? and What makes the standard? …What a entirely wonderful, mysterious world we live in! We are also parts in the great mystery.

I don’t know the purpose of our lives. Why can we know it without understanding what we are and why we are now here? The only thing I know is that it is a lot of fun for me to remain thinking about the wonder, even if it has no meaning and doesn’t change anything around the world.

Thank you for your visit.

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From YouTube…

Do you know Akihiro Miwa? This is one of the most famous artists in Japan. Not only this country, but also in many countries his theater and songs are very popular. I also like his character, songs and talks very much.
This YouTube files is that he talked about his experiences at an institution for handicapped persons where he went to contribute some money for it.
I am also one of handicapped(but I am given much amount of happiness and people they help me, I think..), So that his thinking encourages me very much. The following sentences are translation of his talk in Japanese into English.

He said “I and Yukio Mishima went to the Shimada-Ryoikuen, which is an institution for handicapped persons, with solace from our charity concert.

At that time I was in trouble and didn’t have enough to contribute to others; people said that I had fallen low. There I saw handicapped children who had many difficulties; some couldn’t see, some couldn’t hear and talk with others, some people had no arms, they had only hands from their shoulders, some had no arms and legs as if they were “Daruma-San”, an autistic child hit his(or her) own head into the desk whole a day.And some volunteers were there and they were very nice.
When I saw them, I felt the people suddenly looked at me with their silent voices from their hearts, with their energies; I couldn’t understand what happened, so the voices said;
“Your trouble is just trifing. Look at us! You can walk, right? We can’t walk by ourselves and must be helped to have a wash, or we wet our pants…You can walk everywhere you want! furthermore, You can put on your favorite shoes, you have legs and feet to do it, we have neither! Nice crothings, you find at the shop, you can also put on them, because you have two arms and hands; How happy you are, you can hear, see and do everything! Why don’t you count the amount of your own happiness? You must have many things which you should thank for!”
I felt they said me so with their silent voices. And I thought that they, the handicapped people, are the “bodhisattva”, who were sent from the “other world” to encourage and give a warning to us.

His way to capture the handicapped is sometimes criticized, the critics says he doesn’t recognize their own facts correctly and he is narcissistic with regarding them as the holy persons. But I think it is more important to think of ourselves, others and the way of our own lives from his words than what he thought. If his words remind us of our happiness which we don’t usually recognize, it has enough worth to be listened to by someone.

In Sochi…

Many games as the Olympic are being performed now. Watching on TV, it seems very cold there. It is also very cold here as same as in Sochi.

I have to pack my property to move back from Shiga Prefecture to Fukuoka, my hometown. I have lived here about for 2 & half years, but I don’t feel sad about moving away from here. But pacing my books, notebooks, pens and other things, I think still the meaning of my past 3 years;

3 years ago, I really wanted to learn about baking breads as professionals and made my mind to study it with moving to Osaka. The cultures, customs and dialects of Osaka are very different from Fukuoka. I was naturally afraid of living there, but at the same time I thought that it was no doubt that I could get the skills to living as a baker. When I think back it on now, it was a just stupid prejudiced impression about my ability…
But in fact, now I give up to become a baker because of the lack of my skills, ability to do it and being ascertained that I am with high-functioning autism. Fortunately, I was offered to work as an instructor of baking bread at home from my own lecturer and my parents also offered me to help their family business. I have to thank them for their kindness. Yet I sometimes feel that I have no value to exist.. What could on the earth I achieve? Nothing has been attained in my lifetime, I feel.

The performances of many athletes around world are spectacular very much in Sochi now. Why did the God …if he exists… make many kinds of people who have ability difference, and some of whom are given the various obstacles, disorders, disables and handicaps? Some are praised, on the other hand, at the same times, some are killed by someone or suffered from something, without satisfactory reasons. Does the God or “something great” possibly know the reason, if they really exist somewhere in this world?

2014 has come.

The New Year has come in Japan about 6 hours ago. I have stayed at my parents’ home to greet it with them.
Last year I had to go back soon to Kansai-district ,  where I lived, to start to work there on 3. January. It was very sad not to be able to have enough time to talk with my parents….Though it was my choice that I worked as a baker there, I always had the question;”Why do I work here?”
Now I know that I worked so hard to earn money to live every day that I couldn’t find other choices and the fundamental fact that I have the right to quit my job of those days to avoid to be suffered from it. I feel very happy now because I write this article with holding my lovely cat on my lap. And now I help the work of my family… My parents manage the small crammer… While I stay here, it is very comfortable and worthwhile work and I’ll probably start to work here from April this year,after I come to my hometown back.
The experience that I worked at the bakery about for two years is not meaningless for me. The reason is that I could have the occasion to think about my suitable occupation and my disorder and know various different ways of people’s thinking. Furthermore, if I hadn’t worked there, I wouldn’t have known my disorder and would have kept having the questions; “Why I can’t make good relation with others?”
I don’t think that everything which can be an obstacle for someone will be defeated by him/her; there must be many insuperable things and it is natural because we are just a kind of animals. Yet it doesn’t probably mean that we are worthless; The process of making efforts by someone, even if it may be end in failure, must become meaningful. To defeat/conquer obstacles means not only to overcome them but also to keep struggling against them. If someone can’t defeat them until at last she/he comes to her/his own end, at least he/she doesn’t give in them mentally. Is she/he miserable? I don’t think so… He/She led his/her honorable life.

“Die Proben, auf die euer Glaube bisher gestellt worden ist, sind über das gewöhnliche Maß noch nicht hinausgegangen. Aber Gott ist treu und wird nicht zulassen, dass die Prüfung über eure Kraft geht. Wenn er euch auf die Probe stellt, sorgt er auch dafür, dass ihr sie bestehen könnt.”
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. ”

I’m not christian, but I am interested in their way of thinking and philosophy. Of course it is very difficult for me to understand these because of the difference of cultures between Japan(or other not_christian country) and Christendom, but it is by no means as same as the denial of it. I like this sentence from bible, The first Corinthian.

What will happen this year? I don’t know but I want to live optimistically with always making efforts to something. If I come to end of this year with smiling, the game will be mine!

Thank you for your visit here today.

About 1 month will have passed soon by Friday,

But I don’t sometimes believe that I worked at a bakery as a baker about 1 month ago. I often feel it was just a dream… which is often said “nightmare”.

“Nothing is wasteful for our life” is a famous proverb around the world(?). I naturally want to believe so, yet it is very difficult for me to regard the choice which I choose and the fact that I worked to become a independent baker about for two years as something meaningful. “It was just the waste of time”, This is also a wording people often say, And it often covers my feeling and makes me brought in gloom.

“I am PDD-NOS.”, This fact made me calm at first because I felt it was proved that my awkwardness and incompetent didn’t come from the lack of my effort. But gradually I found it also showed that the result of making efforts of me was limited; Because this disorder can be never cured… I can’t live as one of ordinary people.

“I have wished to be ordinary and normal, like my classmates or my colleagues”….. It’s never realized.

I hear many people of “PDD-NOS” or other kinds of ADD-Spectrum are often suffered from deuteropathy. Losing self confidence, afflicted with depression, feeling fear to meet someone and so on… Perhaps I’m also caught by them and I feel it is very hard to overcome their pain.

Thank you for your coming here today.

A new year has come.

A new year has come and about two weeks have passed since then. No articles weren’t added on this blog for a long time because it was hard for me to write something new here; I had many things to do last month.

Every December is the month which many people have to do various things to prepare to greet the next year coming soon in. In addition, I had to face to myself about a thing.

Since I was a child, I’ve had a feeling “I’m different from others in some respects.” When I talked with my classmates, when I play with them, I often had such a feeling but I couldn’t understand what was wrong. Sometimes someone told to me, “To sense the mood!” And though I didn’t have ill feeling to someone, he/she got angry when he/she listened to what I said. I couldn’t guess or grasp the reason. It was very difficult to “sense the mood”, so that I liked to play alone more than with many classmates. I wasn’t able to play sports well. It is still hard for me to throw the ball. When I see children throwing it like an athlete, I always wonder why they do that so well. I prefer to play inside to do outside; Reading books and Drawing pictures was some kinds of the best recreation for me. School library is the wonderful area to invite me to the world of knowledge. I often drew a map many sheets of paper. The map wasn’t based on the real geography; The towns, cities, tracks and highways existed only in my imagination.

The conclusion is that; I am with the high-functioning autism. A doctor diagnosed my illness as it. I was very surprised at the diagnosis but at the same time I felt my feeling become calm. I have thought that the problems about my human relations are proceeded from my character for a long time. But she said to me, “It isn’t based on your character but the difference of how your brain functions.” Her words helped me to erase my anxiety.

I still think about my illness and sometimes feel anxiety about myself. But at first I try to grasp my peculiarities now.

It rains tonight.

It is about two in the morning. I get up at 1 o’clock  in the morning to go to work every weekday, so that I woke up at the same time though it is a holiday today.
Yesterday I took poor supper.It contained a cut of cake and two pieces of sandwiches, these were all. Usually I cook several dishes for meals every day, but I didn’t take time to do it last evening. I don’t know the reason to have no will to do something. Although I’m not tired very much, physically at least.

A year has passed since I moved to this district from Osaka. It means that one and half year has passed since I moved from my hometown. I ask myself that I accustom to live here or not and my answer is “no”. I’m still often confused by the dialect of this district(Kansai) and the way of thinking which many people of this district depend on. The prices of various items to live are more expensive than these of my home-district, I think, and the condition of roads is very bad; there is always a heavy traffic on every road and the number of them which have many lanes and can be used free is few. The toll of highways is too expensive to use without hesitation. I heard before that my aunt living in Osaka pref. which has the most population and economic scale around Kansai said that she has lived there for several decades but she can still get used to various customs of this district. I may understand what she thinks.

My skill to make and bake bread isn’t gotten better than before a year because my effort is not enough. A couple of days ago the chef said that my skill got better than as of a year ago, but I can’t feel so. Though I make efforts to be careful to do something at work as well as possible, I often make many mistakes. I apologize every time which I do something wrong at and the other staffs at the workplace aren’t angry with me, but I’m afraid that their impression for me becomes worse. It doesn’t change that I worry about the reputation from others too much. Having communication with others is still very difficult for me, Joining their conversation is hard, too. I understand my “misanthropy” again.

I like and respect cultures which are grown up in Occident, It doesn’t mean that I look down on my own country’s culture at all, but I always feel that the way of my thinking tends to be done along the Japanese style. Individualism seems to be excellent for me, but I don’t live in accordance with this “ism”. It is the obvious proof that I have “morbid fear of meeting people”, which is peculiar to Japanese people. This sickness(?) makes me very tired, but I’ve not been able to solve it yet. Recently I’m looking forward to going to bed every day because during sleeping I don’t need to think about other people and my lacks.

Thank you for your visit here today.